Thursday, June 20, 2013

Birthday List and just general list

I plan to have a party for friends and still am unsure of the location. I am making a wish list, I don't really expect anything but this is also a personal list of things I need/want. Repeat- I don't expect anything, especially the higher price stuff. It is just as much a post of ideas and reminders for me as if anyone wants to contribute to anything. Just having my amazing friends show up is super awesome and all I shall care about!


Back electrical stimulator. This one has 4 pads and works the whole body. This is perfect for my back pain and also developing carpel tunnel. $67.50, extra pads appreciated.

Money- $5 is helpful, even a few. Adds up to helping lots of things.

Classical Loop-in-loop chains by Jean Stark on
A must have along with fine silver on getting me back into chain and jewelry work!

Juicer- $99.00


Tardis Mini Fridge 79.99
La Petit De Mort (Yes I know what it means :p been wearing it for years)

Tardis Throw Blanket, out of stock till 6/24

Print- Tardis -$19.99

10 sonic screwdriver/pen

Messenger bag of holding- good if i get this new job or at tysons,en_US,pd.html?start=22

Allonsy shirt L

Tardis Lights

Adipose Stress Toy (can get at barnes and noble)

Firefly print-

Firefly box set ( I know its sacrilegious I don't own it)

Dining with the Doctor

GOT official cookbook

GOT unofficial cookbook


X-men Legacy, anything after the HOPE series,
Age of X, Aftermath, Back to School, X-men vs. Avengers

Gambit, 2012 book

Wegmans (yea gluten free!),,, barnes and noble,, target, sephora, teavanna, american eagle, hot topic

Saturday, February 23, 2013


ok I'm trying something I am expecting to get yelled at for... but I am trying hydroxycut. I did a bunch of research on reviews etc it beforehand and got a bottle. I am being super super careful due to my tachycardia and it having so much caffeine. (was not able to get the caffeine free version :p)

I've been sick so I took my first one yesterday due to I would be at home in case of any horrible side effects. I'm making sure to drink a ton of water, and yesterday pretty much just laid around in bed. Ate carefully minus my omg craving at 2am for peanut butter and chocolate. My weight even with cutting out soda has jumped to 155, higher than i have ever weighed before and I am sick of it and brokenhearted.

I went to bed weighing 155 and woke up 152. My weight fluctuated throughout the day but never by this much. Thus far with super water intake I have been peeing a lot but have not yet had any funny side effects. I only took one pill yesterday and will prob do the same today.

I do NOT plan to use this as a long term thing, I plan to try it very carefully along with eating right and when I'm not fully sick, exercise. I managed to do a few leg/stomach things while in bed. If it can help me reach my weight goal that exercise and food alone is not doing, then okay. If I can reach or get closer to my goal I will stop taking it. If I plateau I will stop taking it. If I get any funny side effects like headache or palpitations I will stop taking it.

I am at this point just utterly desperate. I understand water weight, and fluctuations etc. But this is my experiment to see if something will work where others and basic things have not. My body is very temperamental especially with exercise, I also have medications working against me that cause weight gain that cannot be changed. I don't expect a miracle drug or plan to be drug dependent to loose weight because that is not how it works. But I will chronicle how this is working so I can track my progress.

yeah I dropped this crap after a week. No physical change and omg tons and tons of water just to keep from getting side effects. bleh

Monday, February 18, 2013


I really hate emotions. I just wish I could stop caring, stop hurting. It should not matter, and yet it does. I really hate it when someone means the world to you and you mean absolutely nothing to them. Go on trying to do random things with people but don't give the one person who you mean everything to no chance. I really wish I had a brain shut off function. I just want to stop caring about it so much.

Saturday, February 9, 2013

Cuttlefish Casting

So been meaning to try this for awhile. I had fun but sadly got a partial piece (silver did not flow all the way into the mold) and the second attempt the metal was not hot enough and cooled as soon as it hit the cuttlefish bone. Sadly I nay own a proper torch. Butane torch is the best I've got for the moment. All pics are from the first attempt. Also another thing I am not currently fond of is that while the bone is easy to carve into, detail does not hold well as it tends to break away very easily...

bone mold wired up
showing the sprue and button hole

casting contraption I made, water in the tin at the very bottom to catch any loose metal
I love melting metal, so pretty

pretty pic

hot button, and as you can see it did not all make it into the mold
And damn, as you can see a tiny bit
dropped to the bottom but then did not
fill up.

finished first attempt

Strange contemplations

I dislike a great deal of things, my emotions being one of them. I guess the thoughts floating in my head are because its close to Valentines Day, a day I really am not fond of. The only times I've had decent Valentine's Days are when a wonderful friend sent me a bunch of presents and roses (First time I'd ever gotten any on this specific holiday) and with my now ex but still best friend and he made me a cute picture of my favorite comic couple.

I know it is supposed to be a day about love and celebration of it. What I guess I dislike about it is so rarely do I get to feel that. Most Valentines Day's I just remember little cards in class because we had to give them out and all of the popular girls walking around with balloons and tons of flowers, showing them all off like they're the best thing ever. Meanwhile people like me just sat with maybe the few real cards from friends and watched quietly.

I have always wanted a good strong, relationship with someone. But my own mind and body has deeply held me back. I dislike touch, it honestly feels funny to me. I think this has to do with being a premature child and getting poked with needles for the beginning of my conscious life. It is apparently quite common with premies. I never as a child liked being held or cuddled, I had my moments, but not many of them. Two other problems tend to be anxiety and trying to regain my own mind. What I mean by that is I was very much an 'ugly ducking' case. My childhood I went from cute to wtf pretty/even called beautiful. But during the ugly duckling phase, I was relentlessly tormented by bullies. Most trying to get me to go out with them and then stand me up (I overheard them being dared quite a bit.) This led to a point of me being so used to being picked on and called ugly (Meanwhile I was fighting Tourettes Syndrom which didn't get under control till about college.)

So at this point when someone hit on me I had a panicked reaction. I immediately went defensive because I thought they were kidding or making some joke. The few men I did connect with I had very troubling anxiety attacks to which led to physical problems such as throwing up several times a day. This was and still is due to anxiety. I know about relationships and sex, I'm quite more devious then many of my friends would guess, but I've never really gotten to experience these wonderful things for real. Every time I tried, my body recoiled. Now, oddly there are some people I don't want to touch me then some I can be totally fine with just hanging all over and cuddling. I have no idea why.

This does drive me quite insane. I WANT desperately to be normal. I love and feel just like any other person. My morals tend to get in the way of some experiences but I think that is an important thing. I was raised to respect myself just as much as another should. But due to all of the problems, I can be quite a handful. I need a lot of reassurance (I am a cancer too, get through the shell you have the most loving devoted friend ever). Because I'm not used to being told I am beautiful. Sometimes I feel it not much.

The other fun part is just human personality. There is so much pushing into this part of needing to 'chase' others. I refuse to chase. If you want to learn about me okay. I will not chase others due to if they're interested they shouldn't make a game of it. Sadly too is the friend zone. I have strange standards, I do not fall for men easily. It makes me feel shallow and annoyed a great deal but I can't help it. I've tried for years to fix this behavior, pretty much I've just come to the conclusion it is what it is. So back to the friend zone, I tend to befriend a lot of guys, love them all dearly, but once they get to know the real me they tend to fall, hard. At this point I've turned them into safe associates and get into the...crap...stage when this happens. I feel awful about it, I want to try, but I cant make my body come along for the ride.

I guess I am just frustrated and angry.  I want to accept people, but I keep falling for guys I can't have. I finally learned I am capable of loving someone enough to not feel at all anxious, and that every moment I had with him just made me smile like an idiot. I backed away due to relationship status but then fell again when things changed. He was the only thing that kept me happy, at all. For a good while. I learned and loved. Meanwhile, it leaves me questioning how much it really meant at all to anyone other than me.

I keep waiting to just not care anymore. Telling myself it's stupid, get over it. I guess part of my problem is that I can't not care. This person went through a lot and still is, I went through a lot as well and still am. I've tried distancing myself and other things, but, it makes me miserable and want to cry more. I am very lucky to have him as a friend, he is a good one. I don't want that to ever change. I just wish I could cope better.

Again I tried things like dating sites, it just made me feel more alone and upset. All I can do it try to be good and do what I do in life, and hope I find someone. My big issue is me falling for the person too, I know I have many who admire me and would snatch me up if they could, I just don't feel the same, and I hate it. I've also tried just jumping into activities. Nothing makes me feel as good or as happy.

I miss being happy. I really do.

I was told that the body craves attention. You find someone who gives you attention, then when they stop, you essentially go through severe withdraw  I am not sure if I really believe that, I have plenty of people who would give me compliments, it does not feel anywhere near the same.

Still tons going through my beckons.

Saturday, January 26, 2013


Due to having insomnia I love many webpages as a source of amusement and something when my A.D.D. kicks in. As I know there are others out there, I am sharing. Enjoy!


A UK website that has great news as its not as biased as ours
The Daily Mail

Everything else-
Useful everything

Neat things

Mix of everything

Crazy and awesome things

Sheer Funny-
Den of Geek
Topless Robot
Geeks are sexy

Just enjoy
Happy Place
Shit my kids ruined
Lowgarden, for Game of Thrones Fans
Memos From Fury- Go Avengers!
ALL The cheezburger pages

Friday, January 25, 2013

on a funny note

I love x-men. I am specifically a Romy fan (rogue and gambit) but I associate with Rogue very much for multiple reasons. I just found a few good scans that had me cracking up online.

Gambit and 'kinky bondage drinking games'  I could not stop laughing for about 2 minutes


warning graphic

thinking thinking get out of my head

I cannot sleep, had a night like this yesterday, not fun when I have to be up at 6 am.

March 1st will be officially a year since my mom passed away. It still feels like it was yesterday. It's interesting how the human psyche deals with objects during given times. I remember learning this is psychology, certain events can trigger memory, or imprint to it. The problem is, ALS is a horrible disease, something I would never ever wish upon my most hated enemy. The fact my mom got it, was so unfair. How fast it happened, not fair either.

I've been on xanax since, I had it before but this was a whole new ballpark. I found myself drifting to dark places, memories of the hardest times, her being afraid, in pain, helpless. The thought of not wanting to give up but the body shutting down to where you have to have the medicine that keeps you from pain, and also keeps you asleep. Memories of hearing things, just too much to not mention on a public blog. When I have bad nights still, the xanax at least helps me sleep.

While its been a year, I keep noticing that there is so much I have associations with, simply from being a caregiver. It is interesting to analyze it, but also wondering how long it will take to break these habits and stigmas.

Screaming- I cannot stand to hear screaming anymore. Yelling is one thing, screaming another.  Even if I'm upset and want to scream in anger or grief  it almost seems like I get mentally violated, I just want to curl up into a ball and close my ears. I do not condemn the actions at all, I know I sure would have. It's just trying to cope with the noise and the memory it induces.

Baby monitor- while now hearing babies on it is one thing, it was our primary communication tool. Even when dropped to just listening to breathing patterns. My grandmother wanted to throw it outside, I wanted to hit it with the sledge but it ended up being dropped in the trash. I see a monitor and my instinct is to hush and listen. I know this will change as I would like children some day (gotta find a guy I like first).

Jello/pudding- one of the main foods she could manage to eat, have been unable to touch them unless out of a huge serving bowl for groups.

Chips and dip- mainly fritos. Same as above.

I ran to get some meds from the local Walgreens, and realized that as I was making the trip,  how many times I had raced there and back home. Due to needing a new medication suddenly and rushing there as it was filled, feeling like I had to be fast enough. I do not associate the road or Walgreens with that usually, just found it odd I did today.

I know there are more things, I just cannot think of them now. The good thing is we are dealing with the hospice team again (just for checkups, not hospice) after the surgery of a family member. They are so wonderful, we don't have the same people who cared for mom, but wonderful people nonetheless.

I'm not quite sure why I am blogging this, perhaps to try to get some of this out of my head, to let go a little. I know healing will take place, I will be able to eat, drink, act without sparking memories. She's in a better place, away from suffering.

I love you mommy, I miss you.