Friday, January 25, 2013

thinking thinking get out of my head

I cannot sleep, had a night like this yesterday, not fun when I have to be up at 6 am.

March 1st will be officially a year since my mom passed away. It still feels like it was yesterday. It's interesting how the human psyche deals with objects during given times. I remember learning this is psychology, certain events can trigger memory, or imprint to it. The problem is, ALS is a horrible disease, something I would never ever wish upon my most hated enemy. The fact my mom got it, was so unfair. How fast it happened, not fair either.

I've been on xanax since, I had it before but this was a whole new ballpark. I found myself drifting to dark places, memories of the hardest times, her being afraid, in pain, helpless. The thought of not wanting to give up but the body shutting down to where you have to have the medicine that keeps you from pain, and also keeps you asleep. Memories of hearing things, just too much to not mention on a public blog. When I have bad nights still, the xanax at least helps me sleep.

While its been a year, I keep noticing that there is so much I have associations with, simply from being a caregiver. It is interesting to analyze it, but also wondering how long it will take to break these habits and stigmas.

Screaming- I cannot stand to hear screaming anymore. Yelling is one thing, screaming another.  Even if I'm upset and want to scream in anger or grief  it almost seems like I get mentally violated, I just want to curl up into a ball and close my ears. I do not condemn the actions at all, I know I sure would have. It's just trying to cope with the noise and the memory it induces.

Baby monitor- while now hearing babies on it is one thing, it was our primary communication tool. Even when dropped to just listening to breathing patterns. My grandmother wanted to throw it outside, I wanted to hit it with the sledge but it ended up being dropped in the trash. I see a monitor and my instinct is to hush and listen. I know this will change as I would like children some day (gotta find a guy I like first).

Jello/pudding- one of the main foods she could manage to eat, have been unable to touch them unless out of a huge serving bowl for groups.

Chips and dip- mainly fritos. Same as above.

I ran to get some meds from the local Walgreens, and realized that as I was making the trip,  how many times I had raced there and back home. Due to needing a new medication suddenly and rushing there as it was filled, feeling like I had to be fast enough. I do not associate the road or Walgreens with that usually, just found it odd I did today.

I know there are more things, I just cannot think of them now. The good thing is we are dealing with the hospice team again (just for checkups, not hospice) after the surgery of a family member. They are so wonderful, we don't have the same people who cared for mom, but wonderful people nonetheless.

I'm not quite sure why I am blogging this, perhaps to try to get some of this out of my head, to let go a little. I know healing will take place, I will be able to eat, drink, act without sparking memories. She's in a better place, away from suffering.

I love you mommy, I miss you.


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