Saturday, February 9, 2013

Strange contemplations

I dislike a great deal of things, my emotions being one of them. I guess the thoughts floating in my head are because its close to Valentines Day, a day I really am not fond of. The only times I've had decent Valentine's Days are when a wonderful friend sent me a bunch of presents and roses (First time I'd ever gotten any on this specific holiday) and with my now ex but still best friend and he made me a cute picture of my favorite comic couple.

I know it is supposed to be a day about love and celebration of it. What I guess I dislike about it is so rarely do I get to feel that. Most Valentines Day's I just remember little cards in class because we had to give them out and all of the popular girls walking around with balloons and tons of flowers, showing them all off like they're the best thing ever. Meanwhile people like me just sat with maybe the few real cards from friends and watched quietly.

I have always wanted a good strong, relationship with someone. But my own mind and body has deeply held me back. I dislike touch, it honestly feels funny to me. I think this has to do with being a premature child and getting poked with needles for the beginning of my conscious life. It is apparently quite common with premies. I never as a child liked being held or cuddled, I had my moments, but not many of them. Two other problems tend to be anxiety and trying to regain my own mind. What I mean by that is I was very much an 'ugly ducking' case. My childhood I went from cute to wtf pretty/even called beautiful. But during the ugly duckling phase, I was relentlessly tormented by bullies. Most trying to get me to go out with them and then stand me up (I overheard them being dared quite a bit.) This led to a point of me being so used to being picked on and called ugly (Meanwhile I was fighting Tourettes Syndrom which didn't get under control till about college.)

So at this point when someone hit on me I had a panicked reaction. I immediately went defensive because I thought they were kidding or making some joke. The few men I did connect with I had very troubling anxiety attacks to which led to physical problems such as throwing up several times a day. This was and still is due to anxiety. I know about relationships and sex, I'm quite more devious then many of my friends would guess, but I've never really gotten to experience these wonderful things for real. Every time I tried, my body recoiled. Now, oddly there are some people I don't want to touch me then some I can be totally fine with just hanging all over and cuddling. I have no idea why.

This does drive me quite insane. I WANT desperately to be normal. I love and feel just like any other person. My morals tend to get in the way of some experiences but I think that is an important thing. I was raised to respect myself just as much as another should. But due to all of the problems, I can be quite a handful. I need a lot of reassurance (I am a cancer too, get through the shell you have the most loving devoted friend ever). Because I'm not used to being told I am beautiful. Sometimes I feel it not much.

The other fun part is just human personality. There is so much pushing into this part of needing to 'chase' others. I refuse to chase. If you want to learn about me okay. I will not chase others due to if they're interested they shouldn't make a game of it. Sadly too is the friend zone. I have strange standards, I do not fall for men easily. It makes me feel shallow and annoyed a great deal but I can't help it. I've tried for years to fix this behavior, pretty much I've just come to the conclusion it is what it is. So back to the friend zone, I tend to befriend a lot of guys, love them all dearly, but once they get to know the real me they tend to fall, hard. At this point I've turned them into safe associates and get into the...crap...stage when this happens. I feel awful about it, I want to try, but I cant make my body come along for the ride.

I guess I am just frustrated and angry.  I want to accept people, but I keep falling for guys I can't have. I finally learned I am capable of loving someone enough to not feel at all anxious, and that every moment I had with him just made me smile like an idiot. I backed away due to relationship status but then fell again when things changed. He was the only thing that kept me happy, at all. For a good while. I learned and loved. Meanwhile, it leaves me questioning how much it really meant at all to anyone other than me.

I keep waiting to just not care anymore. Telling myself it's stupid, get over it. I guess part of my problem is that I can't not care. This person went through a lot and still is, I went through a lot as well and still am. I've tried distancing myself and other things, but, it makes me miserable and want to cry more. I am very lucky to have him as a friend, he is a good one. I don't want that to ever change. I just wish I could cope better.

Again I tried things like dating sites, it just made me feel more alone and upset. All I can do it try to be good and do what I do in life, and hope I find someone. My big issue is me falling for the person too, I know I have many who admire me and would snatch me up if they could, I just don't feel the same, and I hate it. I've also tried just jumping into activities. Nothing makes me feel as good or as happy.

I miss being happy. I really do.

I was told that the body craves attention. You find someone who gives you attention, then when they stop, you essentially go through severe withdraw  I am not sure if I really believe that, I have plenty of people who would give me compliments, it does not feel anywhere near the same.

Still tons going through my beckons.

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