Thursday, April 12, 2012

Missing Mommy

So the hardest time for me right now, is grief. Grieving, the lack of it, the confusion, emotions, etc. She passed away March 1, 2012 from Lou Gehrig's disease. Symptoms to passing, 3 years. Mom's battle was quick and rough. But we did everything we could, loved her, took care of her, eventually hospice became involved, who were absolutely wonderful, and our amazing CNA Mayra. It was hard, hard on everyone. My grandmother was her main caretaker, and me, her daughter, her other one. It's a horrible, horrible disease. I would never wish it upon anyone; it leaves people questioning why it exists. Thankfully moms’ passing was quick, quiet, not in pain, not afraid.

It was hard, it still is. So many things left behind. I've been pushing myself to go through things, donations, sell, keep. It becomes very difficult, finding old things you remember as a child, but have no room for, or use for. What to do with them? Would you decorate your house with it? Drawing to the basics is very difficult. Cleaning I found some interesting things, foreign coins, stamps, pictures. Tons of pictures, so many pictures I have no idea what to do with them all. I have no room for them all. Should be interesting to say the least. 

Numbness comes and goes. I found a perfume vial that reminds me of when I was little, I decided to keep it. I won't wear it but I know some days I may have a meltdown because I can't trigger certain memories. Smelling the perfume made me think of being hugged and her hair in my face. Things were not always easy, but she was my mom, and she will always be with me. She is not in a world of pain or grief, lies or suffering.

Finding some papers that should not go into the trash, we luckily have a wood burner outside that sufficed. I like fire and somehow watching the papers burn was very soothing. I could imagine all the painful emotions simply going away, being cleansed, and purified. 

ALS is a horrible disease; your body becomes a shell while your mind is intact and able to think. I cannot believe nor could even try to comprehend what my mom went through. But I know she had us there for her, she had her family. I know she will always be with me and she loves me very much. I love you mom, and I miss you. There are many strides being made with ALS in science, I can only pray soon, they will find a cure.

Thank you to all of the people who have and who still are helping me through this time; family,rob, kim, jason, pete, charlie, brugioni clan, kate & paul, leeper family, feepit crew, mayra, melanie, and anyone who I've forgotten. It means more to me than I can say, I love you all. <3

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